There are some serious opportunities in this up-and-coming field!  As the academic newspaper ResearchEurope highlighted recently, animal rights extremists are packing the pokey (if you’re American, that is; if you’re British they’re doing porridge; either way, brush up on your prison slang). 

Quick scorecard check:

• November 2005:  Each of two PeTA employees faces 22 felony counts of animal cruelty and three counts of obtaining property by false pretences after killing the animals they purported to be rescuing.  Case outcome pending.

• 2 March 2006:  Six SHAC extremists are convicted of terrorism in the US and are now on the business end of sentences up to 23 years each.

• 11 April 2006:  Four SNGP extremists face 6-12 years in prison each after pleading guilty to conspiracy to blackmail in the Darley Oaks grave robbery.

Now don’t get me wrong, I myself will plead guilty to at least Schadenfreude in the first degree when hearing that these folks get to spend some quality time behind bars for their crimes.  What I find most impressive, however, is that once locked up, their passion for plotting and committing violent, illegal acts seems quickly re-directed into peaceful lobbying for vegan food and non-animal-derived clothing.

Perhaps one can argue that this is proof of the rehabilitation theory of punishment?  The only true test, of course, is to see if these extremists carry on peaceful campaigning upon release.  If they re-offend, however, we could throw them back in jail, place them on the Atkins Diet, and suggest that if they have special clothing requests they get their supporters to stump up rather than insisting that the taxpayer subsidize their lifestyle choice. 

In the meantime, I say let’s throw these guys a bone (!) and recruit some vegan prison chefs!  In fact, in a development that might be deemed coincidental if we didn’t live in times so dominated by reality television and cross-branding, there seems to be the perfect volunteer – and a celebrity, no less.  In a recent Sunday Times profile, veteran animal rights campaigner, Front National supporter, gay-and-Muslim paranoiac, and general misanthrope Brigitte Bardot stated – among other things – ‘I have my own vegetable garden and I am a marvellously good cook.’

Sold, Brigitte – see you at Belmarsh.